memories kept

It's been ages since i last wrote something reflective and so tonight i have decided to be more personal. Having stayed home the whole day today, it has allowed me think through about what I've been doing in my life.

Firstly, i am proud to have completed a milestone in my life and it is time to move on to a new season. I am glad to have chosen to be brave, to be bold to go through tough times even when i felt like giving up. I am even happier to know who and what i have become in Christ today.

Today, i can't help but to keep on thinking about a phrase that has always been said to me and that phrase is "you deserve better". Let be real. I am back to my single hood and i'm just amazed by what people have been telling me. Many close friends said "you deserve better". Others said, "to be frank i thought you'd choose the other guy who was better and not him. The moment you got into that relationship, i thought you actually deserve a better guy". That very same phrase- "you deserve better", it's time that i give this phrase a thought.

I remember being in a few different relationships and of which 3 of the guys told me that i deserve better. I used to disagree, and i felt that giving my very best and not receiving what i should get in return was totally fine but today, i realized it is not. It is a relationship that will not work out because it is only me who is putting in the effort. I used to get so upset and frustrated why did the relationships end up with the same phrase "you deserve better". I finally see it today. Its been years. I have been so blinded and so stupid i would say. Thank you to all who has helped me to see what i was blinded by.

It's time to set some standard on the type of guys you want Grace. Making a mistake once is enough but making the same mistake over and over again is purely stupidity. But i am so glad to be out of a relationship. I feel so much more relieved. I feel so much happier, i feel free. No longer bounded by restrictions, no longer living in unhappiness. No longer living in discontentment. No longer have so face unnecessary challenges. I am living life happy because i know the love of Christ resides in me. I choose happiness because God has anointed us with the oil of gladness.

But well, i'm in no rush for any relationship, and i'm going to pray about it in future. For now, i'm going to put my focus on God, on the ministry, on my friends, on my life, on my studies. I am currently reading Joel Osteen's book- everyday is a friday. I am pleased to say that this book is really timely. A book worth a read. Yes i know you guys reading this post must be wondering what happened to Grace who doesn't read? I don't know too, but i know that i choose to read only certain books and most of them are Christian books.

Alright, i'm choosing to end my post here today. To you girls who are reading this, don't worry about me. I am really doing well. I know that if i ever need a listening ear, you guys will be there for me. Thank you for choosing to brave this storm with me ♥ i love you girls. I thank God for really awesome friends who stalk me on twitter. Thanks for texting me the moment you guys saw my tweet. Really appreciate it ♥

It's been 8 months since i last posted something.
To the 2 girls that are still reading my blog, hello there! :)
A lot has passed over these 8 months and i don't know what exactly to feel.

there has been so many changes in my life.
i've ended internship, graduated. working, waiting for uni to start.
started serving in the ministry. back to single hood.
so many changes but i know i am blessed

i'm currently in a training and i'm so tired.
so many things to do.
God's grace is upon me.
I guess i won't be posting much but i'm going to post my graduation photos.

Just right afer i posted ytd's long post
i saw this couldn't agree more.
but seriously, what am i supposed to do right now?
God.. help me.
so what position are you leaving me in?

Been thinking a lot lately and i don't even know where to begin
i'm in a season of doubt fear, lost without directions

firstly, internship. As the day gets nearer, i start feeling insecurity, i keep having doubts
i start wondering how would i fair, how would i do, what would i do, would like still like it there?
i know it's a promise that everything will be fine at the end of the day. if its not fine, it's not the end.
but still, the fear when you don't know what to expect.

i guess the next time would be everything in my life?
in just another half a year i would be registering for university and all but right now i have not a single idea of what i would like to study, what my preferred course is and even schools.
even so if i have a school to go to and a course i want to study, school fees may pose as a problem

next, i guess i'm really moving house. pieced everything together from all those conversations in the family, my dad's short talk with me, my brother's twitter. i kinda still like where i am staying right now but i believe it would be much better if i'm staying nearer to town. its probable, boon keng or farrer park. don't know what to expect for this either. i don't even know when i'm moving and where.

and probably the last thing that has been haunting me for days if probably my relationship. i really don't know where i'm heading. 2 person with 2 different dreams,2 different goals. 2 person expecting different things in life, so where am i heading? i know i'm not someone who can sacrifice my future for another person. i know it's self-fish but i strongly believe this is my life and i'm leading it, no one can control it.

as much as i can be all sacrificial with anything and everything in a relationship, that it something i really cannot give up. i got tired of trying, trying to come to a conclusion, trying to make peace, trying to come to a center where we can both compromise at meet in the middle. and if we can't meet in the center then should we just stop everything right now? i tried so hard. you're all insistent and so am i. how God, how?

sometimes i wished it wasn't me sacrificing. it can get tiring. tired of always waiting, tired of always listening. tired of being patient, tired of giving in. sometimes i wished you were the one waiting, you were the one listening. i wished you were the patient one, i wished you were the gentleman. But no. i always believed that when it comes to love, i guess i'm the world's stupidest fool. sometimes i just need you to understand and to thinking for me and to see things from my perspective, but no, you never did.

even good friends around me are telling me to think thoroughly. they asked me how i was going to deal with this situation. it really set me thinking. they could tell that I've been giving in, they could tell that i'm tired. they could tell that you gave no thought for me. they could tell that I've been thinking for you, supporting you all the way through the journey. but you have never thought for me. they could tell you made decisions on impulsive behavior and so do i think so. but you've always felt you were right.

yes, you were. you were right to make the decision. but don't regret the decisions you've made. i really cannot stand it when u get all annoying to be all regretful and all. my answer would be then why didn't you think properly in the first place then? it's just like a kind in the phase of growing up and being in depression. he takes a penknife and start stabbing his own wrist. he thinks its the right decision he made, but he regrets right after stabbing himself when he feels the pain. he gets all regretful and all, but know what? the scar will forever be there. just why didn't he think properly?

i'm sorry but i know it's my fault to not be able to let the opposite party feel secure in a relationship no matter how hard i try. i know it's me because you're not the only who told me the same sentence. i don't want to hear "i don't deserve you" i don't want to hear "you deserve better". then what do you want me to do? leave and find someone better? i give up, i give up trying...

小时侯，幸福是一件玩具，拥有就幸福；长大后，幸福是一个目标，达到就幸福；成熟后，发现幸福原来是一种心态，懂得就能幸福。

Just a short post, out with these lovely people

went to holland village and then farrer park :)