memories kept

“There are times in our lives when we are swept over by raging emotions, times when we are overwhelmed by sadness, overcome by misery. Times when we feel that we are loved only for the things that they could get from us and not for who really are. It is natural to feel this way. Sometimes we all need to be alone, to feel blue, to feel lonely, to listen to a song and cry.” And right now, its exactly how i feel. I'm going through too much things right now. So bad, so bad that i'm crying myself to sleep for the past few nights, and i don't know how to begin or perhaps it's just too much to begin from.

If you hold back on the emotions — if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them — you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘all right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment. Holding it in for too long already. I'm numb. All i know is i wanna get out of this house, to a place full of strangers that i may be alone for a while, no one to disturb me, no worries, no nothing. Maybe that way, i'll feel so much better. I'm badly hurt.

I really don't know how to describe but I'm too tired of putting up a bold front as though everything is alright. And I feel the most comfortable time is in the wee hours. The moment everything turns dark, you climb right into bed and you sugar crying right away. No one knows, no one sees. Telling yourself everything will be alright but deep inside everything hurts. I really don't know how long more I can continue staying in this house. I think one day I might just run away from home unknowingly.

Well, it's been quite some time since I last blogged and the reason why I'm back this time is, I just gotta let go of whatever I'm feeling right now and this feeling kinda sucks.

It's holidays right now but who would understand the stress inside me. Yes, stress. A very different kind of stress. And I don't know how I should express it either.

2013, started out pretty well and it's still a pretty good year. Just that right now I just feel a so useless. I wish right now I'm living on my own, at least not with my family. And some times I really hate them a lot. It hurts people. It hurts. And you guys wouldn't understand how much hurt you've done to be because I'm always having this cheerful or if not poker face at home.

You guys have hurt me so much that my heart is hardened. And it doesn't matter anymore. So much so that I don't know how to show love, care and concern anymore. Each time all I do is to retaliate and I really hate it. But you guys wouldn't understand.

Sometimes I feel so tired of putting up my strong front in front of everyone yet deep inside I'm feeling all terrible. I guess there's just too many things that has been going through for the few days.

I feel so restricted and I really don't understand. I just feel like running away from everything. I'm so tired. Upset and hurt. Sigh.. how do I explain. Really don't know how to continue writing this post. But to cut it short, I just pray for all my friends and family that you guys will be safe, healthy and happy. And that will be enough.

I guess I'll stop here coz I can't go on right now. There's just way too many things on my mind. Sorry guys, I won't be able to go out on weekdays for now til everything gets better. And I hope i will be feeling better soon. Goodnight.