memories kept

Just right afer i posted ytd's long post
i saw this couldn't agree more.
but seriously, what am i supposed to do right now?
God.. help me.
so what position are you leaving me in?

Been thinking a lot lately and i don't even know where to begin
i'm in a season of doubt fear, lost without directions

firstly, internship. As the day gets nearer, i start feeling insecurity, i keep having doubts
i start wondering how would i fair, how would i do, what would i do, would like still like it there?
i know it's a promise that everything will be fine at the end of the day. if its not fine, it's not the end.
but still, the fear when you don't know what to expect.

i guess the next time would be everything in my life?
in just another half a year i would be registering for university and all but right now i have not a single idea of what i would like to study, what my preferred course is and even schools.
even so if i have a school to go to and a course i want to study, school fees may pose as a problem

next, i guess i'm really moving house. pieced everything together from all those conversations in the family, my dad's short talk with me, my brother's twitter. i kinda still like where i am staying right now but i believe it would be much better if i'm staying nearer to town. its probable, boon keng or farrer park. don't know what to expect for this either. i don't even know when i'm moving and where.

and probably the last thing that has been haunting me for days if probably my relationship. i really don't know where i'm heading. 2 person with 2 different dreams,2 different goals. 2 person expecting different things in life, so where am i heading? i know i'm not someone who can sacrifice my future for another person. i know it's self-fish but i strongly believe this is my life and i'm leading it, no one can control it.

as much as i can be all sacrificial with anything and everything in a relationship, that it something i really cannot give up. i got tired of trying, trying to come to a conclusion, trying to make peace, trying to come to a center where we can both compromise at meet in the middle. and if we can't meet in the center then should we just stop everything right now? i tried so hard. you're all insistent and so am i. how God, how?

sometimes i wished it wasn't me sacrificing. it can get tiring. tired of always waiting, tired of always listening. tired of being patient, tired of giving in. sometimes i wished you were the one waiting, you were the one listening. i wished you were the patient one, i wished you were the gentleman. But no. i always believed that when it comes to love, i guess i'm the world's stupidest fool. sometimes i just need you to understand and to thinking for me and to see things from my perspective, but no, you never did.

even good friends around me are telling me to think thoroughly. they asked me how i was going to deal with this situation. it really set me thinking. they could tell that I've been giving in, they could tell that i'm tired. they could tell that you gave no thought for me. they could tell that I've been thinking for you, supporting you all the way through the journey. but you have never thought for me. they could tell you made decisions on impulsive behavior and so do i think so. but you've always felt you were right.

yes, you were. you were right to make the decision. but don't regret the decisions you've made. i really cannot stand it when u get all annoying to be all regretful and all. my answer would be then why didn't you think properly in the first place then? it's just like a kind in the phase of growing up and being in depression. he takes a penknife and start stabbing his own wrist. he thinks its the right decision he made, but he regrets right after stabbing himself when he feels the pain. he gets all regretful and all, but know what? the scar will forever be there. just why didn't he think properly?

i'm sorry but i know it's my fault to not be able to let the opposite party feel secure in a relationship no matter how hard i try. i know it's me because you're not the only who told me the same sentence. i don't want to hear "i don't deserve you" i don't want to hear "you deserve better". then what do you want me to do? leave and find someone better? i give up, i give up trying...